For the first time since I started this blog, I am sitting down to write the day before my Tuesday deadline. I don’t have a great reason for this other than that I am tired. I don’t mean the type of fatigue that inspires one to take a nap. I mean the type of fatigue that inspires one to lock the door, shut the blinds, and hide from the world until further notice. The type of fatigue that promises any little thing could become an annoyance. The type of fatigue that makes it hard to focus, hard to make the most basic decisions, and a chore to give anything of oneself to others.
Nothing bad has happened. I am certainly not depressed or upset in any way. I am just tired. And this makes perfect sense, doesn’t it? For nearly two months now I have had the “peddle to the metal” maximizing every moment by filling it with learning Norwegian, going to language practices, meeting new people, trying to find a job in adventure tourism in Norway, and also in Iceland, and also in the United States, then pivoting to trying to find a job in photo and film production in Norway. My LinkedIn profile has switched back and forth indicating the type of indecision playing out in my brain simultaneously. All the while, constantly on the lookout for other opportunities to stay in Norway. Maybe just a summer job?
And all of this playing out in a country that is foreign to me, with people that are foreign to me, with customs and mannerisms and a language that is foreign to me, while dating someone who is so completely wonderful yet with whom I also don’t share a culture or a native language with.
Without this experience, one might find it natural to think that it would be easy for an American to live in Norway. The countries share so much in common. Yet, this assumption misses the fact that our brains have patterns of operation that are ingrained into everything that we do, that are shaped by everything we are used to, and in that way, our brains are accustomed to operating in a world that it can predict.
While in a foreign country, these patterns are disrupted and the result is that the brain requires more focus, more calculating, and more assessing to function each day. This plays out away from our awareness until it doesn’t, until the fatigue sets in. Some say it takes two years in a foreign country before this struggle in our brain lifts.
Of course, it seems like it would have been more convenient if the fatigue could have held off until late in the third month instead of late in the second. Or perhaps not. Could it be that taking my foot off the gas is exactly what I need to be able to see my surroundings more clearly and assess what is actually in front of me? After all, thus far, I have only been spinning my wheels, what would it look like if I stopped?
Lessons from: Untitled.
- I only have to leave Norway for three months after my 90-day tourist visa expires instead of the six months I had thought. This is a massive difference that changes my calculus a bit!
- Though this milestone actually passed a few weeks ago, I have officially been outside of the United States for longer than ever before, and I have also never gone without driving a vehicle for this long. I love not having a vehicle!!
- What were short days filled with rain when I arrived in early March have already transitioned into 17-hour days with much more sunshine by late April.
Something Interesting: Am I actually learning Norwegian?!
Last week, I had a groundbreaking and encouraging development in my Norwegian language learning progression.
For the first time, and this occurred on a few occasions, I interacted with Norwegain without registering whether it was Norwegain or English that I was interacting with.
Example one: I read a text message, laughed, and responded, only after to realize it was all done in Norwegian.
Example two: at Thursday language practice, I was speaking to an 18-year-old Ukrainian, the son of a nervous mom to his right. He asked me if I liked living in the United States. I asked him if he wanted me to try to answer in Norwegain (in Norwegian) and he said I could answer in English, so I did. Then he responded and I responded, and after the fact, when I was talking about it with Serhii, I could not remember which parts of the conversation were conducted in English and which were in Norwegian, nor whether the teenager had ever spoken to me in English or only in Norwegain.
What an amazing experience! 🙌🏻
A look behind the curtain.
If I am honest, the body of this blog describes only part of why I am exhausted. So much more has been playing out behind the scenes in ways that no one would ever know, except the few closest to me.
The quest, the struggle, the navigation, the decision making or lack thereof, the journey I have been on physically in Norway is matched equally by a journey playing out internally as well.
Throughout this process, I have been confronted with some very uncomfortable truths about myself. Perhaps things I have known but never been able to formulate into thoughts, let alone words. As amazing and difficult as this process has been I can also admit that it has required a massive amount of mental energy.
And though I am thankful to see myself more clearly, to know myself better, and to perhaps in time become more accepting of my inner workings, I can also say that for the most part, it doesn’t feel very good to stir these types of things up.
I cannot help but wonder if these three months in Norway are not about a job or how to stay or even learning the language. I wonder if they are actually about what is playing out on the inside. Is it possible that my struggle is not with the external but with the internal?
This is a rhetorical question of course.
She Simply Wanders 
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